Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
