He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
