Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
