I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
