She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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