Only a mothe r could love this liver
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
