I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
