Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
