Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
