he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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