Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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