aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
