Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
