Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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