Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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