News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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