why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
