so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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