woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm at about main and main street
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
