I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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