Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
