I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
