I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
