I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
