Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
