I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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