You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
