I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
