She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
