I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
