Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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