I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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