dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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