Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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