When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
