so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
