I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
