Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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