It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
