There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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