Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
