I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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