So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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