you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
