You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
