Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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