sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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