John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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