it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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