Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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