she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
