I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
