I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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