I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
