drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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