Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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