i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
