OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
