I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
