what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
