look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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